Thanksgiving at Boston Market

Lets all take a minute to give thanks.

Dear lord, thank you for giving my ancestors the misguided notion that their should transport their bizarre religious beliefs to a new continent. Also, thanks for making them slaughter those drunk gambling addict indians. Amen.

I can't cook a turkey. Who am I? Ainsley Hayes? I wanted to go to Boston Market to buy a pre-made bird, but I'm tired of the publicity, so I put on my burka. It didn't work. The protesters followed me there too. If I could wave a magic wand and give them all brains ravaged by syphilis I would.

Little Caesars

Every so often while watching UFC, I get a serious hankerin for one of those Wop flapjacks with sauce. There seems to be a growing trend towards fancy shmancy pizzas with chicken and pine nuts. Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't I just drink my own piss while I'm at it? Faggots. No, Dago flapjacks are bread, cheese, sauce, and sausage. Little Caesars, which sounds queer I know, sells these $5 pizzas that sit in a warming oven for hours. Thats all Schiavo needs.

White Castle

I watched this movie about a chink and a raghead stoner who went to White Castle. Wu and Osama or some such shit. Who cares. It was supposed to be a comedy, but I for one didn't laugh. Henny Youngman. Now thats comedy. Anyway, it made me hungry for those foul little sliders they sell. I went there and ordered 20 of them. Man, you should have seen my poop the next day. Many bricks gentlemen. Many bricks.

Arctic Circle

Later on that same trip to Utah, I went to this joint called Arctic Circle. I figured it was Eskimo food. Man I tell ya, you haven't lived until you've eaten sauteed polar bear meat.

Again, I was fooled. I'm getting really tired of this shit. Its just a burger house. They have this fry sauce though. Its just mayo and ketchup, but jesus tapdancing christ it is good. For the guys out there, the bloke at the counter told me its perfect lube for masturbation. Keep it in mine.

I don't know what the fuck I went to Utah for. I must have been high on balloons when I booked the trip. It was sweet though. That place is overrun with white people. You really feel at home and don't have to fear being raped by minorities on the street.

Carls Jr

I stopped at a Carls Jr in St. George Utah a few years ago. God damn these mormons are weird. Are you familiar with these people? Apparently its some kind of religion. They think the garden of eden is in Missouri. Bullshit. Schiavo knows its just outside of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. I don't particularly like Canadians either. They're like Americans, only pussier. Go fuck yourself, eh?

Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

Do I really need to say anything?

Baskin Robbins

After that pissy and angry mail bag, I needed a treat. First I smoked up a bowl of balloons to get really fucking loony. After regaining consciousness, I put on my best goin out hat and wandered aimlessly for a few hours before I remembered where I was. I forgot my wallet (again) but I did have a knife. The question? Should I rob the ice cream shack directly or rob people outside and pay for my ice cream? I walked in and ordered something, but didn't have the heart to shank the clerk so I just walked out. He shouted "No, you have to pay!" but I just laughed like a hyena.

Jack in the Box

I've been getting a lot of mail lately. Not email. I'm not down with this shit. You send Schiavo a fucking letter in the post or I don't respond. Anyway, the bulk of it seems to be saying how awful I am, how they want to pull the plug on me and so forth. Whatever. I can take it you miserable fucking cunts. What I can't take? This vile slander that I'm always negative. I like lots of things. Just not minorities. They're generally very dirty people and can't be trusted.

I do like this Jack in the Box though. Some call it Jack in the Crack, but I don't fully understand that reference. They sell these two tacos for a buck there that I swear must be made out of cat meat. You just can't replicate that texture. This is the finest cat meat you'll ever have though. Trust me.

Subway

I'm so fucking confused. I saw these ads on the old boobtube for five dollar footlongs at Subway. What? Is this some sort of a brothel on rails that features well endowed men? I really had hoped so. My love of the cock is insatiable.

Wow...how could I have been so mistaken? No cocks at all. No train. The fucking sandwiches weren't even good. I've eaten some rank shit in my day, but seriously, have you ever eaten something at this no-cock, no-train Subway? I had a so called cheesesteak. I swear to christ the melted swiss was actually cum. Now, I watched the fella make my sammich. He didn't jerk off into the bread or anything, so they must have a pre-wanked batch of cum in the back for when white ladies like me show up.

IHOP in Miami

Holy shit my friends. That was a long layoff. Its quite a tale too.

Basically, I had to leave the country. The election scared me so much I couldn't even enjoy balloons anymore. Imagine how I felt, a colored fella running against an old fart. Figuring America was fucked, I left.

My first stop was filthy fucking Mexico. I jumped on a flatbed truck headed for Piedras Negras and my journey began. Once on the other side, I nearly vomited at every turn. The stink in that country! For my own health, I had to get the fuck out of there too. I carjacked these stupid fucking college kids with one of them new fangled Volkswagen bugs and beat a hasty retreat. I remember one of my gentleman callers mentioning an airport in Monterey, so I hauled ass.

Sure enough, there was an airport. I went to the ticket counter and told the wetback at the counter I wanted to get the fuck out of his festering sewer of a country. Didn't care where. Next flight Pepito. He gave me a ticket and I ran to the plane without knowing where I was going.

Well, apparently the flight was to Cuba. Fucking Cuba. Communists, voodoo, and rampant homosexuality everywhere I looked. The police questioned me. Apparently you need a "passport" to "travel". Fucking bureaucrats. If Ike were still alive a girl wouldn't have to put up with this shit. Anyway, these cocksuckers re-labeled me as being in a persistent vegetative state. As you may have guessed, they pulled the plug.

I laid there in a Cuban hospital, literally starving to death and horny as a motherfucker. The flamboyantly homosexual male nurse was hot. I could have turned him if only they would plug me back in. I eventually convinced him to accept a handjob for the re-plug in. His cock wasn't nearly as big as I had hoped. Anyway, the feeding tube nursed me back to health.

Healed, I planned by retreat. I remember hearing about these earth smuggling Cuban boat people who floated on refrigerator doors to Florida. I went to the beach and talked to some guy who hooked me up with a door to float on. I paddled out like a surfer and began my journey home.

Three weeks later I arrived in Miami. I immediately had to go eat, so I went here. It gave me the shits.

Wendys

At one point, my parents decided I should get married. They hoped it would cure me of my slutiness and my lesbian streak. I was just experimenting though. They found this guy Michael. He always looked like he wanted to pull the plug on me, but I wasn't plugged into anything at the time so I couldn't figure that out. I married him, but not before I gangbanged the local high school track team.

We had to get married in Albuquerque. Now I've been to some awful places in my day, but Albuquerque has to take the cake. Keep in mind I grew up in Florida. Thats how terrible it was. There were indians everywhere. They're all drunks. Its disgusting. Where is John Wayne when you need him? To get my mind off of things, my folks took me to Wendys. Wendys was my favorite restaurant as a kid.

The fucking Christian protesters followed me there. They've been following me all my life. I hate them all so much. I hope they all get AIDS through unprotected anal sex.

TGI Fridays

On Fridays, you can often find me here. I assume its the only day of the week its open. Doesn't seem like smart business to me. I enjoy the food, but the waitress last Friday was a real twat. She probably had a baby with a black man. That would make me angry too. I feel sorry for the mulatto children. We should put them in a camp somewhere.

Burger King

My Kia kept breaking down. When I pay $5000 for a car, I expect quality even if it was built in a festering oriental rice paddy. I decided to go to Korea to give these gooks a piece of my mind. I got there but they wouldn't let me in the Kia building. Racists. It was only because I'm white. Defeated I had to head home, but I was hungry, so I went to a Burger King. I half expected to be served a cat meat whopper, but as far as I can tell it was beef.

Krispy Kreme

I went through a period of my life when I was a real fat ass. It was disgusting. I couldn't even touch myself and no one wanted to touch me. Thats not easy for a lusty gal such as myself. These fucking donuts were the death of me. I ate them until I would puke all over the floor. At least the high school dweebs who worked there had to clean up my puke. Eventually I had to admit I have no willpower whatsoever, so I went and got that surgery for disgustingly fat and lazy people. Now I'm the slim gal you see about town.

Domino's

I might as well tell you about the other highlight of that London trip while I'm on the subject. The British aren't as offensive to me as other ethnic groups, but I do suspect their food causes tooth decay. My pearly whites are a treasure to me, so I wasn't eating any of that shit. I found a Domino's pizza. Those wops make a good flapjack with tomato sauce. I ate the entire fucking thing. There was a homeless man outside who wanted lunch, but I wasn't sharing. In fact, I kicked him in the groin as I left and told him to get a job.

Planet Hollywood

Someone just told me its Mexican independence day. Forgive me while I vomit. I'm going to have to masturbate to thoughts of Bruce Willis to forget that little tidbit. Did you know he had something to do with Planet Hollywood? That may or may not be true. I can't remember dick anymore. These fucking uppers I take every morning have really fucked with my brain. Anyway, I went to Planet Hollywood hoping to meet Bruce one day, but he wasn't there. I hope he doesn't die of AIDS like everyone else in Hollywood does. They're all fags.

Marios

Don't tell any of my Aryan brothers in the Minutemen, but sometimes I like to sneak a little spic food. I go here for that. Its a real shithole, just like you'd expect to find in Mexico, so no one of reputable character goes there. None of my friends will see me. They have this "gwakomoley" or some such thing. It looks like baby shit but its not bad on those Mexican chips that taste like dirt.

Boobs

Time to use the way-back machine you fuckers. Back when I was an infant, I frequently ate here. My mother's weren't this nice though. She had those nasty silver dollar nipples. I don't like those. Now her boobs sag. I've tried to get her to go to a plastic surgeon, but she refuses. Cunt.

El Pollo Loco

Now I don't care for Mexicans, but they make some good flapjacks. Often, when I'm hungry, I go here. I hoped to run into the keeper of the flame. I bet he's gay. These wetbacks make good chicken.

Chick-fil-A

You may not know this about me, but I'm a huge fucking redneck, so I ate here. I was hungry. I had chicken. It tasted like a hippo's cunt.