Thanksgiving at Boston Market

Lets all take a minute to give thanks.

Dear lord, thank you for giving my ancestors the misguided notion that their should transport their bizarre religious beliefs to a new continent. Also, thanks for making them slaughter those drunk gambling addict indians. Amen.

I can't cook a turkey. Who am I? Ainsley Hayes? I wanted to go to Boston Market to buy a pre-made bird, but I'm tired of the publicity, so I put on my burka. It didn't work. The protesters followed me there too. If I could wave a magic wand and give them all brains ravaged by syphilis I would.

Ralphs

You probably think I eat out all the time. Not true. Sometimes I cook at home. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese just can't be replicated. That powder is truly pixie dust. When I cook at home, I obviously have to brave the protesters and go to a grocery store. Ralphs seems to work. What? There's no Ralphs in Florida? Yeah right. I guess there's not a huge cock in your ass right now either.

Wendys

At one point, my parents decided I should get married. They hoped it would cure me of my slutiness and my lesbian streak. I was just experimenting though. They found this guy Michael. He always looked like he wanted to pull the plug on me, but I wasn't plugged into anything at the time so I couldn't figure that out. I married him, but not before I gangbanged the local high school track team.

We had to get married in Albuquerque. Now I've been to some awful places in my day, but Albuquerque has to take the cake. Keep in mind I grew up in Florida. Thats how terrible it was. There were indians everywhere. They're all drunks. Its disgusting. Where is John Wayne when you need him? To get my mind off of things, my folks took me to Wendys. Wendys was my favorite restaurant as a kid.

The fucking Christian protesters followed me there. They've been following me all my life. I hate them all so much. I hope they all get AIDS through unprotected anal sex.

Stuckeys

I'm a real skinflint, so I often hitch hike to get around the good old US of A. Sure you have to blow a trucker or 10, but who among us hasn't? As long as they're white. You have to watch though. The Naftas lets Mexican trucks in here now. I was so fucking livid when I learned that I burned down a Taco Bell. The cops never found me out though. Being in a persistent vegetative state (or so they think!) is a perfect alibi for anything you want to do. I digress. More than once, I've been abandoned at a Stuckeys. Its a truck stop I guess. I eat nothing but jerky when I'm here. Its pre-packaged so it doesn't get any filth on it.

I almost forgot. These whackjob Christian protesters follow me around. They have for years. I don't know what the fuck they want. They probably want to convert me. I tell them Jesus was a Jew and I want no part of that. I'm not giving up clams, not even for the Lord.