Chipotle/Being Held Prisoner

I cried out, but no one came. It had been two months since I had seen another human being who didn't work for the evil Chipotle corporation. I shouldn't even use the term human being...animals is more accurate. They would pelt me with avocado pits to orgasm and force fed me the rank food this so called restaurant makes. Now I know what those Hasidic diamond merchants went through in the German camps.

On Superbowl Sunday, I saw my chance to escape. The wetback staff was busy eating lard or whatever the fuck those pigs snack on, so I tried to gnaw through the restraint on my foot, but no luck. I knew what I had to do. I had to eat through my ankle to escape. If you were wondering, yes, my own flesh tasted better than anything Chipotle makes. Now I have one foot. What am I? A fucking diamond miner? This is embarrassing.

Z Pizza

Remember when I mentioned chicken and bull semen pizzas? Yeah. This is the kind of place you buy them. No one goes here but yuppie scum. Everything is overpriced and weird. I'm so blinded by hate right now I can't think straight. I'm gonna have to cut myself a bit to ease this pain.

Bubba Gump Shrimp Company

I have to be the one to say it. I didn't get that Forest Gump movie. He's a tard, his girlfriend is a tramp, and his two best friends are a colored boy and an angry cripple. Whats so fucking oscar worthy? I've slept with a lot of cripples in my day and no one ever gave me a gold statue. Anyway, I didn't actually go here to eat. I went to this place to troll for men.

Hashigo Sushi

Someone told me the Japs ate raw fish. I couldn't believe it! How dumb are these people? I mean, they're good with robots and all, but who doesn't know they should cook fish? Even the fucking Irish know that. I went here to see for myself and sure enough they served me raw fish. I laughed in their face and walked out. Ching Chong yelled at me as I walked out, but fuck him and his raw fish. Cook it you lazy bastard!

Johnny Rockets

I really hate 50's diners. The 50's were OK though. Minorities knew their place and Ike was in the White House. I still like Ike. How did we go from Ike to this Obama Bin Laden guy? I got an email saying he was a muslim. Damned if I'll vote for a black camel jockey. Back to Johnny Rockets. I don't know why the fuck I went here. They had that awful 50's music on the jukebox. It was so bad my ovaries shriveled up. I'm never going back here again.