Shady Lady Ranch

As you well know, I'm a girl who loves the cock. Naturally when I finished my degree in Philosphy at the University of Florida, Shitheel I went into prostitution. Now I can't believe these religious nuts who picket me wherever I go won't allow hooking. If I remember my bible right, and for fuck's sake, I do, Jesus' girlfriend was a hooker. Oh yes, Mary Magdalen loved the cock almost as much as I did. Face it, its a good way for a girl to make a buck. I often wondered, did Jesus feel insecure about dating a hooker? Most men do. They're not confident enough in their own sexual prowess so they are jealous. Jesus probably wasn't very good in bed. Too passive. If he was gay (and who is to say he wasn't?), he would have been a bottom.

The Carpet Store

I already told you I used to be the village bicycle. At one point I befriended this lesbian gal. At the time, I didn't know what that meant. I thought it just meant she loved flannel. Can you imagine it? Wearing flannel in Florida? Anyway, she suggested I try "licking carpet". I wasn't the sharp gal I am now, so once again I was duped. First my aunt and the wieners, now this. I licked the carpet alright, but it didn't do anything. Some guy there was kind enough to tell me she meant I should lick another girl's pussy. I rode him as a thank you and then set off to find a girl who would let me have a go.

Hot Dog Stand

Back before I was an internationally known celebrity with a deep and abiding faith in the superiority of the white race, I was just another small town girl with no brain, an eating disorder, and an insatiable love of cock. One time, my aunt was in town and she told me there was a great little place to get wieners. I could hardly resist. I got wet just thinking about it. I went here and its a fucking hot dog stand. Apparently, old bags like my aunt called hot dogs "wieners" back in the stone age. I wasn't about to be let down. I was fucking horny. I fucked the guy behind the counter. I think he was Swedish. Lars or some such shit. He wasn't a good lay.