Arctic Circle

Later on that same trip to Utah, I went to this joint called Arctic Circle. I figured it was Eskimo food. Man I tell ya, you haven't lived until you've eaten sauteed polar bear meat.

Again, I was fooled. I'm getting really tired of this shit. Its just a burger house. They have this fry sauce though. Its just mayo and ketchup, but jesus tapdancing christ it is good. For the guys out there, the bloke at the counter told me its perfect lube for masturbation. Keep it in mine.

I don't know what the fuck I went to Utah for. I must have been high on balloons when I booked the trip. It was sweet though. That place is overrun with white people. You really feel at home and don't have to fear being raped by minorities on the street.

Carls Jr

I stopped at a Carls Jr in St. George Utah a few years ago. God damn these mormons are weird. Are you familiar with these people? Apparently its some kind of religion. They think the garden of eden is in Missouri. Bullshit. Schiavo knows its just outside of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. I don't particularly like Canadians either. They're like Americans, only pussier. Go fuck yourself, eh?

Mexican Auto Insurance

A few years ago, I got pretty heavily involved in the Minuteman Project. A quasi-military organization designed to keep filthy immigrants from taking our jobs? Where do I sign up? I went to California to personally discuss my options with founder Jim Gilchrist. What a hot piece of man-meat that guy is. I got so wet.

So anyway, I signed up and was immediately dispatched to southern Arizona. I don't know why. I told them I hated Mexicans but they sent me to the border anyway. Perhaps I misunderstood what they do. They told me to hang out down there in that oppressive fucking heat and call the INS if I saw hoards of spics crossing the desert. BOOOORING. I decided to go all maverick on their ass. I gassed up the old minivan and headed into Mexico proper. I had to stop and buy Mexican insurance though. Can you believe it? Those cocksuckers don't recognize our coverage. God I hate them so much. Anyway, I bought it and drove into this two crap town called Sonoyta or some such shit. There, I hung out by the border on the Mexican side and yelled "boogity boogity boo" to any brownies that appeared inclined to cross the border. This operation was a success. I've written Gilchrist to suggest this be his primary course of action going forward.

Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

Do I really need to say anything?

Shady Lady Ranch

As you well know, I'm a girl who loves the cock. Naturally when I finished my degree in Philosphy at the University of Florida, Shitheel I went into prostitution. Now I can't believe these religious nuts who picket me wherever I go won't allow hooking. If I remember my bible right, and for fuck's sake, I do, Jesus' girlfriend was a hooker. Oh yes, Mary Magdalen loved the cock almost as much as I did. Face it, its a good way for a girl to make a buck. I often wondered, did Jesus feel insecure about dating a hooker? Most men do. They're not confident enough in their own sexual prowess so they are jealous. Jesus probably wasn't very good in bed. Too passive. If he was gay (and who is to say he wasn't?), he would have been a bottom.

Baskin Robbins

After that pissy and angry mail bag, I needed a treat. First I smoked up a bowl of balloons to get really fucking loony. After regaining consciousness, I put on my best goin out hat and wandered aimlessly for a few hours before I remembered where I was. I forgot my wallet (again) but I did have a knife. The question? Should I rob the ice cream shack directly or rob people outside and pay for my ice cream? I walked in and ordered something, but didn't have the heart to shank the clerk so I just walked out. He shouted "No, you have to pay!" but I just laughed like a hyena.

Jack in the Box

I've been getting a lot of mail lately. Not email. I'm not down with this shit. You send Schiavo a fucking letter in the post or I don't respond. Anyway, the bulk of it seems to be saying how awful I am, how they want to pull the plug on me and so forth. Whatever. I can take it you miserable fucking cunts. What I can't take? This vile slander that I'm always negative. I like lots of things. Just not minorities. They're generally very dirty people and can't be trusted.

I do like this Jack in the Box though. Some call it Jack in the Crack, but I don't fully understand that reference. They sell these two tacos for a buck there that I swear must be made out of cat meat. You just can't replicate that texture. This is the finest cat meat you'll ever have though. Trust me.