Dairy Queen

I'm not gonna lie. I thought this was going to be a drag show with a bunch of fat trannies. I was mistaken. Its not the first time I've been fooled by a transexual. Have you seen these on the internets? There you are, clicking your mouse (both literally and figuratively), and all of a sudden a huge cock pops out. Its trippy. Sometimes they make me wet and I have to go pray the gay away.

Trader Joe's

Trader Joe's is a grocery store for uppity liberal douchebags with too much money on their hands. I really wish these people would just get AIDS. I went in here once and just puked all over the fucking floor. There was a guy wearing a poncho who ate apples. I'm not touching an apple. Remember what it did to Eve? Whole fucking history of man's suffering can be traced back to eating apples. Terri Schiavo knows her bible.

Bubba Gump Shrimp Company

I have to be the one to say it. I didn't get that Forest Gump movie. He's a tard, his girlfriend is a tramp, and his two best friends are a colored boy and an angry cripple. Whats so fucking oscar worthy? I've slept with a lot of cripples in my day and no one ever gave me a gold statue. Anyway, I didn't actually go here to eat. I went to this place to troll for men.

Hashigo Sushi

Someone told me the Japs ate raw fish. I couldn't believe it! How dumb are these people? I mean, they're good with robots and all, but who doesn't know they should cook fish? Even the fucking Irish know that. I went here to see for myself and sure enough they served me raw fish. I laughed in their face and walked out. Ching Chong yelled at me as I walked out, but fuck him and his raw fish. Cook it you lazy bastard!

Wendys

At one point, my parents decided I should get married. They hoped it would cure me of my slutiness and my lesbian streak. I was just experimenting though. They found this guy Michael. He always looked like he wanted to pull the plug on me, but I wasn't plugged into anything at the time so I couldn't figure that out. I married him, but not before I gangbanged the local high school track team.

We had to get married in Albuquerque. Now I've been to some awful places in my day, but Albuquerque has to take the cake. Keep in mind I grew up in Florida. Thats how terrible it was. There were indians everywhere. They're all drunks. Its disgusting. Where is John Wayne when you need him? To get my mind off of things, my folks took me to Wendys. Wendys was my favorite restaurant as a kid.

The fucking Christian protesters followed me there. They've been following me all my life. I hate them all so much. I hope they all get AIDS through unprotected anal sex.

TGI Fridays

On Fridays, you can often find me here. I assume its the only day of the week its open. Doesn't seem like smart business to me. I enjoy the food, but the waitress last Friday was a real twat. She probably had a baby with a black man. That would make me angry too. I feel sorry for the mulatto children. We should put them in a camp somewhere.

Johnny Rockets

I really hate 50's diners. The 50's were OK though. Minorities knew their place and Ike was in the White House. I still like Ike. How did we go from Ike to this Obama Bin Laden guy? I got an email saying he was a muslim. Damned if I'll vote for a black camel jockey. Back to Johnny Rockets. I don't know why the fuck I went here. They had that awful 50's music on the jukebox. It was so bad my ovaries shriveled up. I'm never going back here again.