Movie Night - Batman Begins

So I do watch things other than balloons you know. What, do you think I'm retarded? Fattened up on the shoe leather and spent condoms they pass off as food at Chipotle, I'm not very hungry. Also, I'm down a foot because I gnawed it off and the replacement from China isn't here yet. Sure, the foot will probably be bound and disfigured, but its a foot all the same. I don't ask questions. Anyway, I decided to stay in and watch a movie. On Demand all the way for me. Video store clerks are usually shiftless vampire wannabe college kids.

I don't know what possessed me, but I watched this movie about a dude who dresses up like a bat. Apparently its pretty popular. I'd never heard of it. I figured it was a comedy. Nah.

First, the guy is in China or something. They all look the same to me, but I call them Chinese anyway. He gets in a fight and then this really faggy looking dude comes into the prison. I thought we were in for some gay sex, but no such luck. He goes and trains as a ninja. Fucking stupid right?

It gets worse. Turns out this dude is a whiny brat billionaire. Oh my god, I wanted to punch him right there, but it wouldn't be christian. He has wood for this DA, but she's played by that girl who bore Tom Cruise's child. She's always looked like a downs syndrome patient to me, so I don't see the appeal.

Lots of shit happens, but the queer from the beginning comes back and tries to gas the city. I guess he was supposed to be a terrorist, but he wasn't even wearing a fucking rag on his head! Can you believe it? I couldn't. Anyway, the bat stops him and saves the city.

All in all, it was pretty stupid, but it kept my mind of cock for a couple hours so I'm going to give it three poorly resized photos of me out of four.

Chipotle/Being Held Prisoner

I cried out, but no one came. It had been two months since I had seen another human being who didn't work for the evil Chipotle corporation. I shouldn't even use the term human being...animals is more accurate. They would pelt me with avocado pits to orgasm and force fed me the rank food this so called restaurant makes. Now I know what those Hasidic diamond merchants went through in the German camps.

On Superbowl Sunday, I saw my chance to escape. The wetback staff was busy eating lard or whatever the fuck those pigs snack on, so I tried to gnaw through the restraint on my foot, but no luck. I knew what I had to do. I had to eat through my ankle to escape. If you were wondering, yes, my own flesh tasted better than anything Chipotle makes. Now I have one foot. What am I? A fucking diamond miner? This is embarrassing.

Z Pizza

Remember when I mentioned chicken and bull semen pizzas? Yeah. This is the kind of place you buy them. No one goes here but yuppie scum. Everything is overpriced and weird. I'm so blinded by hate right now I can't think straight. I'm gonna have to cut myself a bit to ease this pain.

Thanksgiving at Boston Market

Lets all take a minute to give thanks.

Dear lord, thank you for giving my ancestors the misguided notion that their should transport their bizarre religious beliefs to a new continent. Also, thanks for making them slaughter those drunk gambling addict indians. Amen.

I can't cook a turkey. Who am I? Ainsley Hayes? I wanted to go to Boston Market to buy a pre-made bird, but I'm tired of the publicity, so I put on my burka. It didn't work. The protesters followed me there too. If I could wave a magic wand and give them all brains ravaged by syphilis I would.

Ralphs

You probably think I eat out all the time. Not true. Sometimes I cook at home. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese just can't be replicated. That powder is truly pixie dust. When I cook at home, I obviously have to brave the protesters and go to a grocery store. Ralphs seems to work. What? There's no Ralphs in Florida? Yeah right. I guess there's not a huge cock in your ass right now either.

Little Caesars

Every so often while watching UFC, I get a serious hankerin for one of those Wop flapjacks with sauce. There seems to be a growing trend towards fancy shmancy pizzas with chicken and pine nuts. Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't I just drink my own piss while I'm at it? Faggots. No, Dago flapjacks are bread, cheese, sauce, and sausage. Little Caesars, which sounds queer I know, sells these $5 pizzas that sit in a warming oven for hours. Thats all Schiavo needs.

White Castle

I watched this movie about a chink and a raghead stoner who went to White Castle. Wu and Osama or some such shit. Who cares. It was supposed to be a comedy, but I for one didn't laugh. Henny Youngman. Now thats comedy. Anyway, it made me hungry for those foul little sliders they sell. I went there and ordered 20 of them. Man, you should have seen my poop the next day. Many bricks gentlemen. Many bricks.