Z Pizza

Remember when I mentioned chicken and bull semen pizzas? Yeah. This is the kind of place you buy them. No one goes here but yuppie scum. Everything is overpriced and weird. I'm so blinded by hate right now I can't think straight. I'm gonna have to cut myself a bit to ease this pain.

Thanksgiving at Boston Market

Lets all take a minute to give thanks.

Dear lord, thank you for giving my ancestors the misguided notion that their should transport their bizarre religious beliefs to a new continent. Also, thanks for making them slaughter those drunk gambling addict indians. Amen.

I can't cook a turkey. Who am I? Ainsley Hayes? I wanted to go to Boston Market to buy a pre-made bird, but I'm tired of the publicity, so I put on my burka. It didn't work. The protesters followed me there too. If I could wave a magic wand and give them all brains ravaged by syphilis I would.

Ralphs

You probably think I eat out all the time. Not true. Sometimes I cook at home. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese just can't be replicated. That powder is truly pixie dust. When I cook at home, I obviously have to brave the protesters and go to a grocery store. Ralphs seems to work. What? There's no Ralphs in Florida? Yeah right. I guess there's not a huge cock in your ass right now either.

Little Caesars

Every so often while watching UFC, I get a serious hankerin for one of those Wop flapjacks with sauce. There seems to be a growing trend towards fancy shmancy pizzas with chicken and pine nuts. Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't I just drink my own piss while I'm at it? Faggots. No, Dago flapjacks are bread, cheese, sauce, and sausage. Little Caesars, which sounds queer I know, sells these $5 pizzas that sit in a warming oven for hours. Thats all Schiavo needs.

White Castle

I watched this movie about a chink and a raghead stoner who went to White Castle. Wu and Osama or some such shit. Who cares. It was supposed to be a comedy, but I for one didn't laugh. Henny Youngman. Now thats comedy. Anyway, it made me hungry for those foul little sliders they sell. I went there and ordered 20 of them. Man, you should have seen my poop the next day. Many bricks gentlemen. Many bricks.

Arctic Circle

Later on that same trip to Utah, I went to this joint called Arctic Circle. I figured it was Eskimo food. Man I tell ya, you haven't lived until you've eaten sauteed polar bear meat.

Again, I was fooled. I'm getting really tired of this shit. Its just a burger house. They have this fry sauce though. Its just mayo and ketchup, but jesus tapdancing christ it is good. For the guys out there, the bloke at the counter told me its perfect lube for masturbation. Keep it in mine.

I don't know what the fuck I went to Utah for. I must have been high on balloons when I booked the trip. It was sweet though. That place is overrun with white people. You really feel at home and don't have to fear being raped by minorities on the street.

Carls Jr

I stopped at a Carls Jr in St. George Utah a few years ago. God damn these mormons are weird. Are you familiar with these people? Apparently its some kind of religion. They think the garden of eden is in Missouri. Bullshit. Schiavo knows its just outside of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. I don't particularly like Canadians either. They're like Americans, only pussier. Go fuck yourself, eh?

Mexican Auto Insurance

A few years ago, I got pretty heavily involved in the Minuteman Project. A quasi-military organization designed to keep filthy immigrants from taking our jobs? Where do I sign up? I went to California to personally discuss my options with founder Jim Gilchrist. What a hot piece of man-meat that guy is. I got so wet.

So anyway, I signed up and was immediately dispatched to southern Arizona. I don't know why. I told them I hated Mexicans but they sent me to the border anyway. Perhaps I misunderstood what they do. They told me to hang out down there in that oppressive fucking heat and call the INS if I saw hoards of spics crossing the desert. BOOOORING. I decided to go all maverick on their ass. I gassed up the old minivan and headed into Mexico proper. I had to stop and buy Mexican insurance though. Can you believe it? Those cocksuckers don't recognize our coverage. God I hate them so much. Anyway, I bought it and drove into this two crap town called Sonoyta or some such shit. There, I hung out by the border on the Mexican side and yelled "boogity boogity boo" to any brownies that appeared inclined to cross the border. This operation was a success. I've written Gilchrist to suggest this be his primary course of action going forward.

Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

Do I really need to say anything?

Shady Lady Ranch

As you well know, I'm a girl who loves the cock. Naturally when I finished my degree in Philosphy at the University of Florida, Shitheel I went into prostitution. Now I can't believe these religious nuts who picket me wherever I go won't allow hooking. If I remember my bible right, and for fuck's sake, I do, Jesus' girlfriend was a hooker. Oh yes, Mary Magdalen loved the cock almost as much as I did. Face it, its a good way for a girl to make a buck. I often wondered, did Jesus feel insecure about dating a hooker? Most men do. They're not confident enough in their own sexual prowess so they are jealous. Jesus probably wasn't very good in bed. Too passive. If he was gay (and who is to say he wasn't?), he would have been a bottom.

Baskin Robbins

After that pissy and angry mail bag, I needed a treat. First I smoked up a bowl of balloons to get really fucking loony. After regaining consciousness, I put on my best goin out hat and wandered aimlessly for a few hours before I remembered where I was. I forgot my wallet (again) but I did have a knife. The question? Should I rob the ice cream shack directly or rob people outside and pay for my ice cream? I walked in and ordered something, but didn't have the heart to shank the clerk so I just walked out. He shouted "No, you have to pay!" but I just laughed like a hyena.

Jack in the Box

I've been getting a lot of mail lately. Not email. I'm not down with this shit. You send Schiavo a fucking letter in the post or I don't respond. Anyway, the bulk of it seems to be saying how awful I am, how they want to pull the plug on me and so forth. Whatever. I can take it you miserable fucking cunts. What I can't take? This vile slander that I'm always negative. I like lots of things. Just not minorities. They're generally very dirty people and can't be trusted.

I do like this Jack in the Box though. Some call it Jack in the Crack, but I don't fully understand that reference. They sell these two tacos for a buck there that I swear must be made out of cat meat. You just can't replicate that texture. This is the finest cat meat you'll ever have though. Trust me.

Subway

I'm so fucking confused. I saw these ads on the old boobtube for five dollar footlongs at Subway. What? Is this some sort of a brothel on rails that features well endowed men? I really had hoped so. My love of the cock is insatiable.

Wow...how could I have been so mistaken? No cocks at all. No train. The fucking sandwiches weren't even good. I've eaten some rank shit in my day, but seriously, have you ever eaten something at this no-cock, no-train Subway? I had a so called cheesesteak. I swear to christ the melted swiss was actually cum. Now, I watched the fella make my sammich. He didn't jerk off into the bread or anything, so they must have a pre-wanked batch of cum in the back for when white ladies like me show up.

Party City

More like Party Shitty. After my Cuban debacle, I hitchhiked my way from Miami back to home base in Rednecks Knob, FL (Scarborough Country...) and really needed a fucking break. Balloons are my crack, the redder the better. I'm serious. You think I just watch them float? No. You can cram one of those fags in a crackpipe and smoke up. Something in the rubber gets you higher than shit. Sometimes when I get high I go steal porn from my disgusting fatass of a neighbor.

IHOP in Miami

Holy shit my friends. That was a long layoff. Its quite a tale too.

Basically, I had to leave the country. The election scared me so much I couldn't even enjoy balloons anymore. Imagine how I felt, a colored fella running against an old fart. Figuring America was fucked, I left.

My first stop was filthy fucking Mexico. I jumped on a flatbed truck headed for Piedras Negras and my journey began. Once on the other side, I nearly vomited at every turn. The stink in that country! For my own health, I had to get the fuck out of there too. I carjacked these stupid fucking college kids with one of them new fangled Volkswagen bugs and beat a hasty retreat. I remember one of my gentleman callers mentioning an airport in Monterey, so I hauled ass.

Sure enough, there was an airport. I went to the ticket counter and told the wetback at the counter I wanted to get the fuck out of his festering sewer of a country. Didn't care where. Next flight Pepito. He gave me a ticket and I ran to the plane without knowing where I was going.

Well, apparently the flight was to Cuba. Fucking Cuba. Communists, voodoo, and rampant homosexuality everywhere I looked. The police questioned me. Apparently you need a "passport" to "travel". Fucking bureaucrats. If Ike were still alive a girl wouldn't have to put up with this shit. Anyway, these cocksuckers re-labeled me as being in a persistent vegetative state. As you may have guessed, they pulled the plug.

I laid there in a Cuban hospital, literally starving to death and horny as a motherfucker. The flamboyantly homosexual male nurse was hot. I could have turned him if only they would plug me back in. I eventually convinced him to accept a handjob for the re-plug in. His cock wasn't nearly as big as I had hoped. Anyway, the feeding tube nursed me back to health.

Healed, I planned by retreat. I remember hearing about these earth smuggling Cuban boat people who floated on refrigerator doors to Florida. I went to the beach and talked to some guy who hooked me up with a door to float on. I paddled out like a surfer and began my journey home.

Three weeks later I arrived in Miami. I immediately had to go eat, so I went here. It gave me the shits.